If someone had told me as a new mother that I would someday have knockdown, drag-out battles over clothing with the little angel I held in my arms, I may not have believed them. But understanding how to let your child pick out their own clothes can be a struggle.
Around age 1 and a half, my oldest daughter used her new language skills to string together such phrases as “No dress!” and “I want the pink one!” From there, her language and negotiating skills grew in sophistication and she could more articulately argue with me (albeit with more door slamming and tantrums) over my choice of clothing for her. Almost all of the pictures I have of her at home until she was about 4 are either in wacky, mismatched weather-inappropriate attire, or of her in only underwear because she would refuse to wear anything at all. My other children followed suit, even my boys. How dare these children assert their free will, I ask?
So, Your Child Wants To Pick Out Their Own Clothes.
When your child wants to pick their own clothes, these clothing battles can be especially frustrating because the end results broadcast to the world the score of your morning war. Child: 1, parent: 0. I wanted to make a badge for my daughter to wear when she was little that said proudly, “I dressed myself.” Even though anyone who even threw her a cursory glance knew that no sane mother would have willingly dressed her that way.
My good friend Ashley McPherson has experienced this firsthand with her oldest child, Amy, who had decided the only shoes she would wear when outside playing would be fancy dress shoes.
“She has a bit of a shoe fetish,” Ashley said. “She refused to wear anything but pretty ballerina-like shoes.”
After battling many times (and ruining several pairs of dress shoes), Ashley finally designated one pair of dress shoes for outside.
It Happened To Me!
“When Roxanne left for school the morning of her 1st grade school picture day, her long hair was in curls with a little white bow on one side to keep the bangs from her eyes. And she did not have tattoos!
She took out the bow, pulled her hair back so you could not see the curls and added tattoos. She crossed her arms like this to proudly show off her handiwork.
I laughed so hard when her school pictures came in. Of course I bought them. This is her personality.”
—TERRI, MOM OF 3
Making Room for Self Expression
So what happens when clothing battles test the limits of your family’s gender roles? Or the desired clothing isn’t age-appropriate?
Licensed Mental Health Counselor Alicia Pfahler reassures parents that “some self expression is healthy within limits. Her advice is to give children choices with set boundaries.
“Remember,” she said, “the end goal is to have a healthy functioning self who is capable of making good choices throughout life with good inner muscles. We don’t just want to make quick peace by getting obedience without maintaining relationship, or giving full reign without boundaries.”
Parenting can be boiled down to the balance between rules and relationship. If you desire rule-following above all else, you sacrifice much of your relationship with your child. And all relationship with no rules leads to destructive behavior and a child who lives on your couch when they’re 35. Somewhere in there exists a balance where you determine what’s right for your family, and you allow them some freedoms to preserve your relationship with them. I do draw the line at cleanliness, modesty and weather appropriateness. And, occasionally, a certain event pops up that calls for specific attire and my children must comply (under duress and with much complaining).
Ultimately, the best-dressed child is the one who expresses themself within the loving confines of family boundaries.
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